(CUTE VOICE: Will whole story be this senseless?)
	(NOTE: I'm afraid so.)
	Ranma barges into the sheriff's office carrying a piece of the Masaki van's
steering wheel.  He throws it down in the middle of the room and shouts,
"Just look what that idiot Ryouga did!"
	He raises his eyebows in confusion when he sees a cute girl with short,
blonde hair reclining in the chair behind the sheriff's desk, her hands
clasped comfortably behind her head and her feet propped up on the desktop.
She is wearing a baggy, hot red, leather jacket that is completely open in
the front, almost hanging off her shoulders, revealing boldly that
underneath she is wearing only a black dog collar about her neck and a red,
studded leather bra to cover her small but well-sculpted breasts.  Her legs
are covered with a black, leather stocking and her hot red boots match her
jacket and bra.  *That was a very enlightening description if I do say so
myself.  Do you happen to have any photos lying around?* (NOTE: Thank you,
and no.  Shampoo.  Is 'you know who' still securely bound in the
stageropes?) (CUTE VOICE: No need worry.  Washu watch old freak for us.)
(NOTE: Cool.  I owe her.)
	The cute girl glances in Ranma's direction and half-smiles.  "You Ranma?
Seen your television series.  You're cuter in person.  The name's Naomi
Armitage.  What seems to be the problem?"
	Ranma just stares and stutters a bit, unable to form any kind of coherent
sentence.  "Er... uh... y'see... well, ther... uh... you're...."
	(CHEF'S NOTE: STOP GAUKING AT THAT LITTLE TRAMP AND GET ON WITH THE SCRIPT!
Jackass!)
	Ranma shakes his head, then fills his head with new emotion.  He
overdramatically slams his fists onto the desktop, being careful not to
damage the prop, and growls, "Ryouga destroyed my van!  Now I'm stuck in
this stupid, cliche town!"  Ranma glances over the desk and realizes that he
can see up the inside leg of her bright red shorts--and she's not wearing
panties (how embarrassing).  He stares upward and blushes. 
	Armitage pretends not to notice, but smiles anyway.  "The Genom Gang's been
giving you a hard time, huh?  Too bad.  Y'know what I'm going to do about
it.  Absolutely nothing."
	Ranma coldly stares at her.  "What do you mean nothing?"
	Armitage sets her feet back on the floor and puts her face directly in his.
"Precisely that.  I can wipe out every single gangster in this town anytime
I want to, but then that would ruin the story.  You're the hero in this
flick, so it's your show."  She smoothly places her hand over his and nudged
up to his shoulder.  "You wanna go out for Chinese later?"  Ranma shivers.
	Ranma glances to the left and sees Mr. Panda reclining at his own desk by
the jail cells.  "Hey, Pop.  What're you doing here?  I didn't see you when
I walked in."
	Ranma's eyes are mysteriously drawn back to the Armitage, who is still
clinging warmly to his arm.  She smiles and nods slyly.  "Mmm hmm."
	He shivers again, then nervously turns back to the panda.  "This... this
isn't what you think.  Um.  Y'know how all these girls keep showing up,
sayin they're my fiancee...."
	Armitage softly coos, "More than one, eh.  You'll have to introduce me."
Ranma gasps.
	The panda doesn't even seem to acknowledge his presence.  Armitage offers,
"He doesn't talk much."
	Ranma rolls his eyes.  "Gee, I wonder why."  He speaks up, "Why don't you
just change back to your human form?"
	The panda holds up a sign <>. He
flips the sign over and it reads <>.
	"Uh, yeah."  Ranma sighs and turns back to Armitage.  She flutters her
eyelashes but he tries to ignore her.  "Where's the nearest inn?"  Without
taking her eyes off him, she points to Ranma's right--there's an adjoining
building with no wall separating it.  Ranma looks confused.  "I didn't see
that when I came in."
	Again, his eyes are strangely drawn to hers.  She smiles and nods slyly.
"Mmm hmm."
	Ranma leaves her desk and walks over to the new room.  Armitage pouts in
disappointment and sits back down.  *Hah!  Another worthless soul whose
affections I may work my evil magic upon.  She will be mine!*  Armitage
glares expressionlessly in Ranma's direction.  Ranma hisses through his
teeth, "Shutup!"
	(NOTE: Yeah, Kunou.  What're you trying to do?  Piss her off?)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: I hate to tell ya, but she's been going through our personal
files.  She knows where we live.)
	(SIMULTANEOUS SIDENOTE: Eep!)
	Ranma strolls up to the bar, where a tall, dark-haired man in a black
samurai outfit is passing bottles from the desktop to a liquor cabinet
behind him.  Ranma waves, "Hey, Mr. Tendo!  Howzit goin?"
	Soun looks up, then quickly places the remaining bottles behind the
counter.  Smiling moronically, he greets his guest, "Howdy, Son."
	Ramna looks at him curiously.  "Whatz wrong?"
	Soun leans closer and whispers, "This story is set in the United States in
the early 1920's, when Prohibition was in effect.  It's illegal for me to
have sake in my possession, so I have to be careful that the authorities
don't find out."
	Ranma blinks a few times, then glances over at the sheriff's desk in the
next room; Armitage half-smiles and gives a brief wave of recognition.  He
then brings his gaze to rest on the liquor cabinet resting against the wall
behind the bar--in plain sight.  "Uh.  Yeah.  Listen.  If you're so worried
'bout getting caught, why's your inn built next to a police station?"
	Soun clears his throat and begins wiping the countertop with a rag.  "The
deputy and I frequently play shogi together, and it seemed only logical to
move my inn next to his workplace."
	Ranma scratches his head.  "Uh.  Yeah."  *He who chooses to walk the path
of crime is forever fouling his soul and shall walk his days in darkness.
I, Ranma Saotome, shall have to put him out of his misery.*
	Ranma and Soun stare at each other for a moment, then Soun declares,
"That's a nasty subconscious voice you have there, Son."  Ranma nods.
	Ranma lets out a deep breath and looks around the room.  Soun asks, "What's
wrong, Son?"
	Ranma slumps his shoulders.  "I don't know what to do now.  The director
never really gave me a script."
	Soun pats him on the back.  "Don't worry, Son."  He pulls out a  huge stack
of loose papers from behind the counter and starts reading.  "It says here
that you're supposed to order a shot of whiskey."
	"I don't drink."
	"Then it says you're supposed to strap on a gunbelt suspender with two guns
and I'm supposed to ask you what you're doing."
	"I don't use guns."
	"Then it says you're supposed to pay back the guy who told you to get out
of town, but then was stupid enough to smash your car so you'd have to fix
it first."
	Ranma's eyes lit up.  "You mean Ryouga!  Alright!  I can do that!"  He
looks around the room excitedly.  "Where's the exit?"
	Soun points to the entrance to the sheriff's station.  "That's the only
safe way out of here.  Washu's been tinkering around with the other exits.
There's no telling where they lead now."
	"Ok!  Thanks!  Be right back!"  He speeds out the door.  Armitage gives a
dreamy sigh.

		

	The current camera shot shows a whirling ceiling fan, and the microphone
picks up something that sounds like a great beast snarling and roaring at
attackers.  After a few seconds, the shadow of somthing offcamera darkens
the screen.
	!Kick! (CHEF'S NOTE: Wake up, jackass!  And get that mike outa your mouth!
That's disgusting and unsanitary!) !Kick kick! (NOTE: Remember Ukyou, we
want him alive.) The shadow retreats. (CHEF'S NOTE: Sorry.)  The next sound
heard could have been describes as the entire Legion of Evil escaping from
Hell, then !Thump thump!  The camera's view blurs downward until it is
facing a door.  The cameraman asks, "Is this better?" but is puzzled that he
still heard the angry monster and the wailing Legion--it wasn't just him.
	He spins the camera until it focused on several men wearing loincloths
prodding and stabbing at Mr. Panda with spears, backing him into a corner
while he futilely swipe at them with his stubby arms and pitifully small
claws.  Mr. Panda suddenly pushed his attackers aside with ease and ran
straight for the cameraman to avenge the insult made to his panda form.  The
camera went black as a sign pounded into it.
	Another cameraman in about the same spot clicked on and showed a view of an
office door with hundreds of ghostly, misshappen masses pouring out and
exiting through the ceiling, crying out their past torments and lamenting
their own tragedies.  Washu leaned against the wall by the door with her
arms folded and marveled at her handiwork.
	(NOTE: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhh!  NO!  NO!  NO!)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Snap out of it, Sir!) !SMACK!
	(NOTE: AGAIN!) !SMACK!
	(NOTE: Thank you.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Don't mention it.) (CUTE VOICE: Can
Shampoo have turn?)
	(NOTE: No! *sigh* So, what do you think?  Should we go on with this?)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: We've tortured ourselves this far.)
	(NOTE: Ok. *sigh* OK!  Everybody, get out of the room!  Now!)
	Washu shrugs and exits through the door that the demons are escaping from,
closing the door behind her.  Mr. Panda waddles out the front door with his
head down; the unknown, spear-toting warriors follow, grumbling and
muttering to each other because they have no idea what fanfic they came
from--which also stumps the author.  The camerashot then slowly jounces for
the door.
	(NOTE: Hey!  Get back here!)  The camera jounces back and takes a position
that gets a clear shot of the front door.  (CUTE VOICE: Do we really have to
do this?) (NOTE: No, but I'll give it a shot anyway.)
	Through the large windows by the door, Ranma can be seen staring upward as
he walks by the building.  He opens the door to step in, and fierce wailing
can be heard in the distance.  (CUTE VOICE: Thar she blow!) (NOTE: 'Wailing'
not 'whaling'.) Ranma steps in and closes the door.  "What the heck was that?"
	(NOTE: Don't worry about it.  They'll all go away by the end of the scene.)
	Ranma shrugs.  "Well, Ok."  *Such a careless act by one so noble.  Methinks
he....* (NOTE: Watch it, Kunou.  Remember where you're paycheck's coming from.)
	Ryouga walks out of a back office (not the one Washu exited through).  "I
thought I told you to get outa town, Ranma."
	Ranma pitches a section of the dashboard to Ryouga.  "In what?  You think
I'm going to walk for thirty mile though a desert?"
	Ryouga folds his arms.  "If I can do it, so can you."
	Ranma folds his arms as well.  "Yeah.  But all you had to do was ask the
lifeguard for some lemonade if you got thirsty."
	"Shuddup!"  He pulls off a few bandanas.
	"So, you're a mobster now?  Or do you just follow these guys around so you
won't get lost?"
	Ryouga growls, "Ran-ma!"
	Ranma puts his hands in front of his mouth in mock-fright.  "Oh!  I'm sooo
sorry.  Did I make the little piggy mad?"
	Ryouga's brow furrows.  Ranma takes that as a 'yes' and smiles.  "Good."
He thrusts his hands upward and shouts, "Hiryu shoten ha!"
	Ryouga suddenly looks confused as a monsterous wind picks up in the room,
carrying everything with it--papers, potted plants, furniture, Ranma, and
even himself.  The whole roof blows off and everything goes flying upward.
Ranma casually swims through the air, dodging household articles as they fly
by.  Most of them slam into Ryouga, though.
	The wind dies down after several seconds and Ranma artfully lands on the
ground by the next building down the block.  Ryouga falls face-first in
front of his own building, then the gargantuan frisbee formerly known as the
roof comes spinning from the sky and slams into the front of Ryouga's
building.  The whole front section explodes and a large portion of the
rubble falls on Ryouga.
	Inside one of the rooms left standing, Mihoshi is sitting naked in a
bathtub, reclining on its rim as she reads a paperback novel.  She twists
her head toward Ranma and her eyes grow impossibly large.  She screams and
tries to cover herself with the book.
	Ranma blushes and turns away.  He shouts back, "Sorry."

		

	Ranma walks into Sheriff Armitage's office once more, brushing dust off of
his shirt.  Armitage, upon seeing him, smiles. (CUTE VOICE: I not like way
she look at future husband.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Yeah.  I don't care how strong
she is, if she lays a finger on Ranchan, I'll kill her.) (Note: Hmmmm.
*mischievious laughter* Ok, you asked for it.) (CHEF'S NOTE: Huh?)  Ranma
stretches his limbs.  "That was too easy."
	Mr. Panda nods from behind his desk and Soun holds his sake bottle as if
toasting to a special occasion.  Ranma notices that the sherrif's desk is
empty.  He scans the room and jumps when he spots Armitage fluttering her
eyelashes at him only inches to his left.
	Ranma tries to ignore Armitage and stares around the room, then finally
turns to Soun and asks, "So what am I supposed to do now?"
	Soun pulls the thick script from behind the counter and hands it to Ranma,
then goes back and sets up a shogi board at one of the tables.  Ranma flips
through the pages, confused.  "It says here I'm supposed to ask the
bartender if there are any girls for hire 'round here."
	Soun and Mr. Panda give Ranma a sour look, while Armitage shows interest.
	Ranma lowers his tone and says to himself, trying to avoid his inner 'voice
of reason', "Now why would I have to hire someone? *Well you see,
Saotome....* Oh well..."  He turns to Armitage.  "If I have to hire a girl,
why don't I hire you." (CUTE VOICE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiii!!!!!  Ranma I kill!)
Soun falls on his face in shock.
	Armitage nudges against his shoulder with a starry look in her eyes, but
slumps forward in defeat when she notices Mr. Panda pointing to his watch.
She straightens her jacket and returns to her desk.  After clearing her
throat, she declares, "I can't while I'm on duty.  But if you can wait until
my shift is over...."
	Ranma flips through the script one more time, still confused.  (CUTE VOICE:
I guess good thing husband not catch on too quick.)  "I wanna get this
stupid story over with.  I gotta find a girl to hire before the scene ends."
(GENMA'S VOICE OUT OF NOWHERE: That'a'boy, Ranma.)
	Armitage seems slightly perturbed for a second, then starts smiling once
more.  "That's Ok.  You can still catch me later when I get off." (NOTE:
Before or after?) (CUTE VOICE: What!?!) (NOTE: Sorry.  Just filling in for
Happousai.) She coyly tosses her head sideways and croons, "And you WON'T
have to hire me."
	Ranma stares around the room some more, unable to think his situation
through without resorting to his 'Voice of Reason'--which he'd rather rot in
Hell (which he might if he keeps this up).  Armitage reclines back in her
chair and points toward the adjoining inn.
	Ranma follows her finger to a table where a woman sits.  She has long, dark
hair and is wearing a denim vest over a white bustier, a pair of 'Daisy
Duke' bluejean shorts, and black highheels.  Her legs are covered by dark
blue fishnet stocking.  Ranma raises his eyebrows, then facefaults when he
realizes it's Ukyou. (CUTE VOICE: Who bimbo now, Stupid Spatula Girl.)
	Ranma, still unable to think about his situation, *Saotome, I have been
trying to inform you....* walks up to Ukyou and asks, "Why're you dressed
like that, Ukyou?"
	Ukyou looks confused.  "I wish I knew."
	Ranma shrugs and takes a seat opposite her.  "Well, I guess I'm supposed to
hire you.  Hey, what does that mean anyway?"
	Ukyou shrugs.
	*Saotome!*  Ranma grits his teeth, "What is it, Kunou?!" *I have been
trying to instruct you on your current situation.* Ranma sighs, "Ok, what is
it?" **sigh* Since it appears that you are incapable of fully comprehending
the meaning of the events in the script...* Ranma narrows his eyes. *...it
would be of importance for you to understand that Kuonji-san is dressed in
that fashion for the purpose of soliciting funds from gentlemen-and I use
the term loosely-in return for effecting her feminine services for their
perverse bodily gratifications.* (OLD VOICE: Sounds like you've done this
before.) *Silence, old fool!  Whom was it that let you run free?* (OLD
VOICE: You really think I'd miss this scene?)
	Ukyou shrugs.  "So what does that make me?"  (CUTE VOICE: *giggles* Stupid
Spatula Girl.  YOU'RE A WHORE!)  Ukyou cringes back and her eyes grow large.
"I'm a what?!"
	Ranma stares up at the ceiling and whistles to himself, trying to forget
the fanfic ever started.  (NOTE: Stick with the script.  You have to ask
her.)  Ranma thrusts his head toward the camera.  "Are you crazy!  She'll
kill me!"  (NOTE: I'm sorry.  You have to.  It's in your contract.) (CUTE
VOICE: Uh huh.  Article nineteen: Must accept all solicitations from whores
at author's request.) (OLD VOICE: I guess that means you might have a little
action with him later in the story.) (CUTE VOICE: Yea....  HEY!!!!)
	(NOTE: Go ahead.  Ask her.)  Ranma looks toward the window, ready to jump
out.  Ukyou eyes him carefully.  "Ask me what?"
	Ranma stumbles around with his words for a long while before finally
asking, "Uh... Ukyou... would you like... uh, if it's alright with you... if
we went upstairs to my room and...."
	!WHAM!  From out of nowhere, she pulls out her giant combat spatula and
slams it down on his head, knocking him unconscious to the floor.  Her brow
is furrowed and her chest is heaving.  "If you EVER ask me that again...!"
	Armitage strolls up to her with a white book under her arm; the title
reads: The Magic of Sex.  She quickly flips through the pages and holds the
book in front of Ukyou's face.
	"Huh...."  Ukyou's eyes grow wide and her mouth gapes as she looks down at
the page.  She snatches the book and starts rapidly flipping through the
pages, and each one smears an incredulous look across her face.  She finally
closes it and sets it on the table as she stares upward in disgust.  After
thinking it over for a few seconds, she rushes to Ranma's side and starts
shaking him voilently, shouting, "I'm sorry, Ranchan!  You gotta get up!  Of
course I'll go upstairs with you!  Please, Ranchan, get up!" (OLD VOICE: May
I have a peak at that book?) (UNIFIED CAST: NO!!!!)
	Armitage walks back to her desk.  "I'll let you borrow the book for a few
days.  If you need another partner up there, you know where I'll be."
	Ukyou shudders.